美文赏析:运用智慧适时舍得

美文赏析:运用智慧适时舍得

　　美文赏析:运用智慧 适时舍得

　　舍得舍得，有舍才有得；人生亦是如此。一条路走不通，适时的转个弯，或许会更加精彩；也许，我们舍不得自己付出的时间和精力，但塞翁失马，焉知非福，有时候需要勇敢的放下，去追求另一种更适合自己的生活。

　　There once was a master who went to India. In those times, we didn't have the communications or airplanes or many kinds of transportation that we do now. So the master went to India on foot. He had never been to India before; perhaps he came from Persia. And when he got there, he saw a lot of fruit. In India they have plenty of fruit to sell, but much of it is expensive because they can't grow much due to the water situation. So he saw one basket, a big basket of some very red, long fruit. And it was the cheapest in the shop, not expensive at all.

　　从前有一位师父，他到印度去，那时候因为交通不发达，没有飞机，不像现在一样有很多交通工具，所以这位师父就步行去印度。他有可能是波斯人，以前没去过印度。他到印度时，看见许许多多的水果。在印度，有时因为缺水的缘故，水果产量不多，许多小店虽然摆满了水果，但多半都很贵。那位师父发现有个大篮子里面装着一种红色长条形的水果，这种水果的价格最便宜，一点都不贵.

　　So he went up and asked, "How much per kilo?" And the shopkeeper said, "Two rupees." Two rupees in India is nothing; it's like dirt. So he bought a whole kilogram of the fruit and started eating it. But after he ate some of it: Oh, my God! His eyes watered, his mouth watered and burned, his eyes were burning, his head was burning and his face became red. As he coughed and choked and gasped for breath, he jumped up and down, saying, "Ah! Ah! Ah!"

　　他就走过去询问：“这个一公斤要多少钱？”小贩回答：“两卢比。”两卢比在印度根本不算什么，像尘土一样不值钱，于是他就整整买了一公斤，然后开始吃。 吃了几口之后，这位师父就眼泪、口水齐流，眼睛发红，嘴巴辣得像着火一样，整个头好像要烧起来，他又咳又呛，满脸通红地喘不过气来，在那里边跳边叫：“啊！啊！啊！”

　　But he still continued to eat the fruit! Some people who were looking at him shook their heads and said, "You're crazy, man. Those are chilies! You can't eat so many; they're not good for you! People use them as a condiment, but only a little bit to put into food for taste. You can't just eat them by the handful like that; they're not fruit!" So the stupid master said, "No, I can't stop! I paid money for them, and now I'll eat them. It's my money!"

　　不过他还是继续吃！有人看到他这样子后，就摇摇头说：“老兄，你是脑袋坏掉啦？这是辣椒耶！不能吃那么多，这样对你不好。辣椒是用来调味的，煮菜时每次只放一点点在食物里增加味道。这个不是水果，不能这样整把拿起来吃啊！”那位笨师父说：“不行，我已经花钱买了，就要把它吃完，这可都是钱哪！”

　　And you think that master was stupid, right? Similarly, we sometimes do a lot of things like that. We invest money, time or effort in a relationship, business or job. And even though it's been a long time, bitter experience tells us it won't work, and we know there's no more hope that things will change in the future - this we definitely know by intuition - we still continue just because we've invested money, time, effort and love into it. If so, we're kaput in the brain. Just like the man who ate the chilies and suffered so much but couldn't stop because he didn't want to waste the money he'd paid.

　　你们觉得这位师父很笨，是吗？其实我们有时候也做很多类似的傻事。有时候我们在某些感情或事业工作上，投入了金钱、时间和心力，经过长期的经营之后，我们从惨痛的经验中知道行不通，直觉也很清楚未来不会有任何转机，但我们还是舍不得放弃，因为已经投入了金钱、时间、心力和感情在里面。像这种情形，表示说我们头脑坏掉，就像那个吃辣椒的人一样，明明已经那么痛苦了，还是不肯停止，只因为不想白白浪费已经付出的钱。

　　So even if you've lost something, let it go and move on. That's better than continuing to lose.

　　就算你会有所损失，还是要放下，然后继续前进！这样总比一直损失下去来得好。

　　美文欣赏:你可以选择自己想过的生活

　　Occasionally, life can be undeniably, impossibly difficult. We are faced with challenges and events that can seem overwhelming, life-destroying to the point where it may be hard to decide whether to keep going. But you always have a choice. Jessica Heslop shares her powerful, inspiring journey from the worst times in her life to the new life she has created for herself:

　　生活有时候困难得难以置信，但又不容置疑。我们面临的挑战与困境似乎无法抵御，试图毁灭我们生活，甚至使你犹疑是否继续走下去。但是你总有选择的余地。从人生低谷走向新生活的杰西卡·赫斯乐普，在这里与我们分享她启迪心灵、充满震撼力的生活之旅。

　　In 2012 I had the worst year of my life.

　　2012年是我生活中最艰难的一年。

　　I worked in a finance job that I hated and I lived in a concrete jungle city with little greenery. I occupied my time with meaningless relationships and spent copious quantities of money on superficialities. I was searching for happiness and had no idea where to find it.

　　我做着讨厌的财务工作，住在难寻绿色的高楼林立的城市。我忙于无意义的交往，在一些肤浅表面的东西上大笔开销。我寻找快乐，却又不知道它在哪里。

　　Then I fell ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and became virtually bed bound. I had to quit my job and subsequently was left with no income. I lived with my boyfriend of then only 3 months who financially supported me and our relationship was put under great pressure. I eventually regained my physical health, but not long after that I got a call from my family at home to say that my father’s cancer had fiercely progressed and that he had been admitted to a hospice.

　　然后我患上了慢性疲劳综合症，几乎到了卧床不起的地步。我不得不辞掉工作，同时也就断了财源。我和那时仅相处了3个月的男友住在一起，经济上完全依赖于他，我们的关系承受着巨大压力。终于我恢复健康，但不久，我接到家里的电话，父亲的癌症急剧恶化，已经住进了临终关怀中心。

　　I left the city and I went home to be with him.

　　我离开了城市，回家陪父亲。

　　He died 6 months later.

　　6个月之后，他去世了。

　　My father was a complete inspiration to me. He was always so strong that, for a minute after he drew his last breath, I honestly thought he would come back to life. I couldn’t believe I would never again cuddle into his big warm chest and feel safe no matter what.

　　父亲的事让我彻底清醒。他一直很强壮，在他咽气之后一分钟里，我真的认为，他会活过来。我不能相信，我再也不能依偎在他温暖的怀抱里，享受他宽大的胸怀带给我的安全感。

　　The grief that followed was intense for all of us 5 children and our mother, but we had each other.

　　母亲和我们5个兄弟姐妹极为难过，但至少我们还拥有彼此。

　　But my oldest sister at that time complained of a bad back. It got so bad after 2 months that she too was admitted to hospital.

　　但是，那时我大姐开始抱怨着背痛，2个月后，因疼痛加剧也住进了医院。

　　They discovered that she had highly advanced cancer in her bones and that there was nothing that they could do.

　　医生们检查发现，她已是骨癌晚期，对此他们已无能为力。

　　She died 1 month later.

　　1个月之后，她也走了。

　　I could never put into words the loss of my sister in my life.

　　大姐的逝去让我陷入难以形容的痛苦之中。

　　She was a walking, talking angel and my favourite person in the whole world. If someone could have asked me the worst thing that could ever happen, it would have been losing her.

　　在这个世界上，她是一个能走路、会说话的天使，我最喜欢的人。如果有人问我，世界上发生的最坏的事情是什么，那就是失去她。

　　She was my soul-mate and I never thought I would journey this lifetime without her.

　　她是我的灵魂伴侣，我从来没有想过，我会走过没有她陪伴的生命旅程。

　　The Moment Of Deliberate Choice

　　抉择时刻

　　The shock and extreme heart break brought me to my knees. The pain was so great and my world just looked desolate. I had no real home, no money, no job, and no friends that cared. Not one person had even sent me a sympathy card for my loss.

　　我被打击和极度的心痛击挎了。强烈的痛苦使世界在我眼中变得如此凄凉。我没有真正意义上的家，没有钱，没有工作，也没有关心我的朋友。没有一个人因我失去亲人而寄给我慰问卡。

　　I made an attempt of my own life and I ended up in hospital.

　　我尝试着活下去，结果住进了医院。

　　I remember lying in the hospital bed, looking up at the ceiling and seeing my sister’s beautiful face. She stayed with me all night long.

　　我记得，躺在病床上，看着天花板，看到姐姐美丽的面庞。她整夜守候着我。

　　I realised during that night that I had a choice. I could choose to end my life or I could choose to live it.

　　那天晚上，我意识到我可以选择。要么结束生命，要么活下去。

　　I looked in my sister’s eyes and I made a decision not to go with her just yet. That I would stay and complete my journey here.

　　望着姐姐的眼睛，我决定不跟她走。我要留下来，走完我的生命旅程。

　　I also made the decision that, I wouldn’t just live any life. I would live the life that I absolutely LOVE and nothing less.

　　同时，我还决定，不只为生活而生活，我要完全以自己想要的方式生活。

　　In that moment, the clarity that descended around me was like a light shining in a dark room for the first time. As if the earth’s plates had shifted under my feet and everything suddenly looked real for the first time.

　　在那一刻，这一想法第一次清晰得如同一盏在黑暗闪烁的明灯。好像脚下的地球版块变换了，每一样东西在我眼前都真实得前所未有。

　　美文赏析:打开心门拥抱生活

　　We often close ourselves off when traumatic events happen in our lives; instead of letting the world soften us, we let it drive us deeper into ourselves. We try to deflect the hurt and pain by pretending it doesn’t exist, but although we can try this all we want, in the end, we can’t hide from ourselves. We need to learn to open our hearts to the potentials of life and let the world soften us.

　　生活发生不幸时，我们常常会关上心门；世界不仅没能慰藉我们，反倒使我们更加消沉。我们假装一切仿佛都不曾发生，以此试图忘却伤痛，可就算隐藏得再好，最终也还是骗不了自己。既然如此，何不尝试打开心门，拥抱生活中的各种可能，让世界感化我们呢？

　　Whenever we start to let our fears and seriousness get the best of us, we should take a step back and re-eva luate our behavior. The items listed below are six ways you can open your heart more fully and completely.

　　当恐惧与焦虑来袭时，我们应该退后一步，重新反思自己的言行。下面六个方法有助于你更完满透彻地敞开心扉。

　　1. Breathe into pain

　　直面痛苦

　　Whenever a painful situation arises in your life, try to embrace it instead of running away or trying to mask the hurt. When the sadness strikes, take a deep breath and lean into it. When we run away from sadness that’s unfolding in our lives, it gets stronger and more real. We take an emotion that’s fleeting and make it a solid event, instead of something that passes through us.

　　当生活中出现痛苦的事情时，别再逃跑或隐藏痛苦，试着拥抱它吧；当悲伤来袭时，试着深呼吸，然后直面它。如果我们一味逃避生活中的悲伤，悲伤只会变得更强烈更真实——悲伤原本只是稍纵即逝的情绪，我们却固执地耿耿于怀。

　　By utilizing our breath we soften our experiences. If we dam them up, our lives will stagnate, but when we keep them flowing, we allow more newness and greater experiences to blossom.

　　深呼吸能减缓我们的感受。屏住呼吸，生活停滞；呼出呼吸，更多新奇与经历又将拉开序幕。

　　2. Embrace the uncomfortable

　　拥抱不安

　　We all know what that twinge of anxiety feels like. We know how fear feels in our bodies: the tension in our necks, the tightness in our stomachs, etc. We can practice leaning into these feelings of discomfort and let them show us where we need to go.

　　我们都经历过焦灼的煎熬感，也都感受过恐惧造成的生理反应：脖子僵硬、胃酸翻腾。其实，我们有能力面对这些痛苦的感受，从中领悟到出路。

　　The initial impulse is to run away — to try and suppress these feelings by not acknowledging them. When we do this, we close ourselves off to the parts of our lives that we need to experience most. The next time you have this feeling of being truly uncomfortable, do yourself a favor and lean into the feeling. Act in spite of the fear.

　　我们的第一反应总是逃避——以为否认不安情绪的存在就能万事大吉，可这也恰好妨碍了我们经历最需要的生活体验。下次感到不安时，不管有多害怕，也请试着勇敢面对吧。

　　3. Ask your heart what it wants

　　倾听内心

　　We’re often confused at the next step to take, making pros and cons lists until our eyes bleed and our brains are sore. Instead of always taking this approach, what if we engaged a new part of ourselves that isn’t usually involved in the decision making process?

　　我们常对未来犹疑不定，反复考虑利弊直到身心俱疲。与其一味顾虑重重，不如从局外人的角度看待决策之事。

　　I know we’ve all felt decisions or actions that we had to take simply due to our “gut” impulses: when asked, we can’t explain the reasons behind doing so — just a deep knowing that it had to get done. This instinct is the part of ourselves we’re approaching for answers.

　　其实很多决定或行动都是我们一念之间的结果：要是追问原因的话，恐怕我们自己也道不清说不明，只是感到直觉如此罢了。而这种直觉恰好是我们探索结果的潜在自我。

　　To start this process, take few deep breaths then ask, “Heart, what decision should I make here? What action feels the most right?”

　　开始前先做几次深呼吸，问自己：“内心认为该做什么样的决定呢？觉得采取哪个方案最恰当？”

　　See what comes up, then engage and eva luate the outcome.

　　看看自己的内心反应如何，然后全力以赴、静待结果吧。

　　美文赏析:生活中你错过了什么？

　　In this life, what did you miss?

　　在生活中，你错过了什么？

　　The wife asked the husband when she was 25. Despondently, the husband replied: 'I missed a new job opportunity.'

　　妻子25岁的时候这样问丈夫。丈夫沮丧地回答：“我错过了一个新的工作机会。”

　　When she was 35, the husband angrily told her that he had just missed the bus.

　　35岁时，丈夫生气地说他错过了公交车。

　　At 45, the husband sadly said: 'I missed the oppotunity seeing my closed relative before his last breath.'

　　45岁时，丈夫悲伤地说：“我错过了见至亲最后一面的机会。”

　　At 55, the husband said disappointingly: 'I missed a good chance to retire.'

　　55岁时，丈夫失望地说：“我错过了一个退休的好机会。”

　　At 65, the husband hurriedly replied: 'I missed a dental appointment.'

　　65岁时，丈夫匆匆地回答：“我错过了和牙医的预约。”

　　At 75, the wife did not ask the husband anymore, the husband was kneeling in front of the very sick wife. Remembering the question the wife used to ask him, this time he asked the wife the same question. The wife, with a smile and peaceful look, replied: 'In this life, I did not miss having you!'

　　75岁，妻子不再问丈夫同样的问题，丈夫跪在病重的妻子面前，想起以前妻子常常问起的那个问题，这次他也问了妻子同样的问题，妻子笑了笑，一脸平静地说：“我这一生，没有错过你！”

　　The husband was full of tears. He always thought that they could be together forever. He was always busy with work and trifles. So much so he had never been thoughtful to his wife. The husband hugged the wife tightly and said: 'Over 50 years, how I had allowed myself to miss your deep love for me.'

　　丈夫满眼泪水，他总是认为可以和妻子白头到老，于是总是忙于工作和琐事，从没在意过妻子。他紧紧地抱住妻子说：“这50多年来，我怎么能允许自己错过了你对我的爱呢。”

　　In the busy city life, there are many people who are always busy with work. These people revolve their lives around their jobs, these people sacrifice all their times and health to meet the social expectations. They are unwilling to spend times on health care. They miss the opportunity to be with their children in their growing up. They neglect the loved ones who care for them, and also their health.

　　在繁忙的城市生活中，有人总是忙于工作。他们整天围着工作转，甚至为了达到社会的标准，牺牲了自己的.健康。他们不愿花时间来关注自己的健康，在孩子成长的过程中错失了与之共享天伦之乐的机会。他们忽视了那些关心他们的人，以及他们的健康。

　　Nobody knows what is going to happen one year from now.

　　没有人知道一年后会发生什么事情。

　　Life is not permanent, so always live in the now. Express your gratitude to your loved ones in words. Show your care with actions. Treat everyday as the last episode of life. In this way, when you are gone, you loved ones would have nothing to feel sorry about.

　　生命不是永恒的，所以活在当下吧。把你对爱人的感谢说出来，用行动证明你关心他们。把每一天当作人生的最后一个篇章，只有这样，当你离开时，你爱的人们才会没有遗憾。

　　美文赏析:去经历去体验 做最好最真实的自己

　　Truly happy and successful people get that way by becoming the best, most genuine version of themselves they can be. Not on the outside--on the inside. It's not about a brand, a reputation, a persona. It's about reality. Who you really are.

　　真正快乐成功的人会长成最好最真实的自己——从内心而非外表上。重要的不是品牌、名誉或者外表形象，而是真实的自我。

　　Sounds simple, I know. It is a simple concept. The problem is, it's very hard to do, it takes a lot of work, and it can take a lifetime to figure it out.

　　道理很简单，讲出来也很容易。但问题是，做起来就不简单了：这需要付诸很多努力，甚或一辈子才能实现。

　　Nothing worth doing in life is ever easy. If you want to do great work, it's going to take a lot of hard work to do it. And you're going to have to break out of your comfort zone and take some chances that will scare the crap out of you.

　　需要穷尽毕生精力的事情必定不容易。成大事者必先苦其心志。因此，你必须走出舒适区，去经历、去体验那些会让你害怕的机会。

　　But you know, I can't think of a better way to spend your life. I mean, what's life for if not finding yourself and trying to become the best, most genuine version of you that you can be?

　　况且，人这一辈子，若到头来都认不清自己、未能长成最好最真实的自己，还有什么意义呢？

　　That's what Steve Jobs meant when he said this at a Stanford University commencement speech:

　　正如史蒂夫-乔布斯在斯坦福大学的毕业典礼上所言：

　　Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.

　　时间宝贵，不要虚掷光阴过着他人的生活。不要让周遭的聒噪言论蒙蔽你内心的声音。

　　You have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something--your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

　　你要相信，生活中的偶然冥冥中也能指引未来。你要心怀信念——相信你的直觉、命运、生活抑或因缘。这个方法一直给我力量，促使我过得卓然不同。

　　The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle.

　　成大事的唯一途径就是做自己喜欢的事情。若你还没找到，那就继续追寻吧，不要停下来。

　　Now, let's for a moment be realistic about this. Insightful as that advice may be, it sounds a little too amorphous and challenging to resonate with today's quick-fix culture. These days, if you can't tell people exactly what to do and how to do it, it falls on deaf ears.

　　现在我们来实际一点：建议或许很深刻，但听完却让人无从着手，难以运用到当今的快节奏文化中。现如今，如果一个建议讲不清具体做什么、该怎么做的话，那么说了也等于白说。

　　Not only that, but what Jobs was talking about, what I'm talking about, requires focus and discipline, two things that are very hard to come by these days. Why? Because, focus and discipline are hard. It's so much easier to give in to distraction and instant gratification. Easy and addictive.

　　不仅如此，乔布斯的讲话和我要说的话都需要集中和自制——这两个品质在当今社会非常难能可贵。何以见得？因为集中和自制都不容易做到。人们很容易分散注意力、寻求即时快感——舒服且容易上瘾。

　　To give you a little incentive to take on the challenge, to embark on the road to self-discovery, here are three huge benefits from working to become the best, most genuine version of yourself.

　　为激励你迎接挑战、踏上寻求自我的旅途，我列出了成为最好最真实自己后的三大益处：

　　It will make you happy. Getting to know yourself will make you feel more comfortable in your own skin. It will reduce your stress and anxiety. It will make you a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend. It will make you a better person. Those are all pretty good reasons, if you ask me.

　　你会感到快乐。了解自己后会让你更愉悦地接受自己，减轻你的压力和焦虑，使你成为更好的伴侣、父母、朋友，让你成为一个更美好的人。这些益处难道不够说服你为之努力吗？

　　Besides, you really won't achieve anything significant in life until you know the real you. Not your brand, your LinkedIn profile, how you come across, or what anyone thinks of you. The genuine you. There's one simple reason why you shouldn't try to be something you're not, and it's that you can't. The real you will come out anyway. So forget your personal brand and start spending time on figuring out who you really are and trying to become the best version of that you can be.

　　而且，只有了解真实的自己方能成就大事。你需要了解那个真实的你，而不是你的品牌、名誉、LinkedlIn资料、你的过去抑或他人对你的看法。为什么你不应该过他人的生活？很简单，因为首先你不是“其他人”，你的本性总有一天会现形。所以，请放开你的品牌形象，努力发掘真实自我、努力把自己经营成最好的自己吧。

　　美文赏析:爱情不是商品

　　Love Is Not Like Merchandise

　　爱情不是商品

　　A reader in Florida, apparently bruised by some personal experience, writes in to complain, "If I steal a nickel's worth of merchandise, I am a thief and punished; but if I steal the love of another's wife, I am free."

　　佛罗里达州的一位读者显然是在个人经历上受过创伤, 他写信来抱怨道: “如果我偷走了五分钱的商品, 我就是个贼, 要受到惩罚, 但是如果我偷走了他人妻子的爱情, 我没事儿。”

　　This is a preva lent misconception in many people's minds---that love, like merchandise, can be "stolen". Numerous states, in fact, have enacted laws allowing damages for "alienation of affections".

　　这是许多人心目中普遍存在的一种错误观念——爱情, 像商品一样, 可以 “偷走”。实际上，许多州都颁布法令，允许索取“情感转让”赔偿金。

　　But love is not a commodity; the real thing cannot be bought, sold, traded or stolen. It is an act of the will, a turning of the emotions, a change in the climate of the personality.

　　但是爱情并不是商品；真情实意不可能买到，卖掉，交换，或者偷走。爱情是志愿的行动，是感情的转向，是个性发挥上的变化。

　　When a husband or wife is "stolen" by another person, that husband or wife was already ripe for the stealing, was already predisposed toward a new partner. The "love bandit" was only taking what was waiting to be taken, what wanted to be taken.

　　当丈夫或妻子被另一个人“偷走”时，那个丈夫或妻子就已经具备了被偷走的条件，事先已经准备接受新的伴侣了。这位“爱匪”不过是取走等人取走、盼人取走的东西。

　　We tend to treat persons like goods. We even speak of the children "belonging" to their parents. But nobody "belongs" to anyone else. Each person belongs to himself, and to God. Children are entrusted to their parents, and if their parents do not treat them properly, the state has a right to remove them from their parents' trusteeship.

　　我们往往待人如物。我们甚至说孩子“属于”父母。但是谁也不“属于”谁。人都属于自己和上帝。孩子是托付给父母的，如果父母不善待他们，州政府就有权取消父母对他们的托管身份。

　　Most of us, when young, had the experience of a sweetheart being taken from us by somebody more attractive and more appealing. At the time, we may have resented this intruder---but as we grew older, we recognized that the sweetheart had never been ours to begin with. It was not the intruder that "caused" the break, but the lack of a real relationship.

　　我们多数人年轻时都有过恋人被某个更有诱惑力、更有吸引力的人夺去的经历。在当时，我们兴许怨恨这位不速之客---但是后来长大了，也就认识到了心上人本来就不属于我们。并不是不速之客“导致了”决裂，而是缺乏真实的关系。

　　On the surface, many marriages seem to break up because of a "third party". This is, however, a psychological illusion. The other woman or the other man merely serves as a pretext for dissolving a marriage that had already lost its essential integrity.

　　从表面上看，许多婚姻似乎是因为有了“第三者”才破裂的。然而这是一种心理上的幻觉。另外那个女人，或者另外那个男人，无非是作为借口，用来解除早就不是完好无损的婚姻罢了。

　　Nothing is more futile and more self-defeating than the bitterness of spurned love, the vengeful feeling that someone else has "come between" oneself and a beloved. This is always a distortion of reality, for people are not the captives or victims of others---they are free agents, working out their own destinies for good or for ill.

　　因失恋而痛苦，因别人“插足”于自己与心上人之间而图报复，是最没有出息、最自作自受的乐。这种事总是歪曲了事实真相，因为谁都不是给别人当俘虏或牺牲品——人都是自由行事的，不论命运是好是坏，都由自己来作主。

　　But the rejected lover or mate cannot afford to believe that his beloved has freely turned away from him--- and so he ascribes sinister or magical properties to the interloper. He calls him a hypnotist or a thief or a home-breaker. In the vast majority of cases, however, when a home is broken, the breaking has begun long before any "third party" has appeared on the scene.

　　但是，遭离弃的情人或配偶无法相信她的心上人是自由地背离他的——因而他归咎于插足者心术不正或迷人有招。他把他叫做催眠师、窃贼或破坏家庭的人。然而，从大多数事例看，一个家的破裂，是早在什么“第三者”出现之前就开始了的。